Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Apology to My Future Daughter-In-Law

The Favorite Son: a gentle, tender, caring burr under my saddle.
(Photo credit: Francesca Barclay)
When The Favorite Son (TFS) is much older and marries, I already feel sorry for his wife, but not for the reasons you may think. TFS is a funny and independent, confident and thoughtful, resilient and tender, sensitive and competitive young man. I think, one day, he’ll be a responsible adult, a great husband, an outstanding provider, and a wonderful father.

No, my sympathy for the future wife of TFS does not relate to the man she decides to marry. The woman who eventually marries TFS after he finishes his graduate degree, of course, will get a loyal, funny, playful, tender, loving man. Rather, I’ve already told TFS that I plan to move in with him when I’m older so I can act the same way in his house as he acts in my house.

Here is a partial list of my future behaviors when I live with my son and his family:

• Drop my dirty socks and underwear on the family room floor;
• If my son asks me to pick up my dirty socks and underwear, I will pick them up, but then I'll hide them under the sofa, coffee table, or end table;
• If the dishes in the dishwasher are clean, leave my dishes in the sink;
• Or, leave dishes on the table;
• Or, leave dishes in on the family room floor;
• In the unlikely event I do put dishes into the dishwasher, I'll leave the rinsed food pieces in the drain trap;
• My son will ask me to do something, I tell him that I’ll do it, then immediately not do it;
• Ask him to get me a glass of water in spite of the fact I’m standing right next to the water pitcher and cupboard where the cups are kept;
• Urinate in his master bathroom toilet, leave the lid up, and not flush;
• Spend all of my allowance, i.e., retirement savings, on candy and Dr. Pepper and ask my son for more money;
• Ask him to cook food for me;
• Eat candy on the sofa and place wrappers under the cushions;
• Leave important papers everywhere, then complain that those papers are lost, damaged, or used as drink coasters;
• Perpetually, lose my house key;
• Randomly, throw away my toothbrush when I know there aren't any other new toothbrushes in the house;
• Have a cat, occasionally feed and water said cat, but almost never change the cat litter;
• Only change scoop-able cat litter after the entire box of litter is spoiled, stinks, and can no longer be scooped;
• Complain that there isn’t any cat litter;
• In spite of a full refrigerator and cupboard, grumble that there is nothing to eat;
• If he makes or cooks something for me, I will critique his work like I’m Gordon-Effin’-Ramsay and give him pointers about how he could have made it better;
• If I make or cook something in the kitchen, I will leave evidence of my labor on the counter and floor including, but not limited to, containers, utensils, wrappers, puddles of liquid, crumbs, and measuring bowls;
• Ask repeatedly for him to take me to Burger King.




So, look, future daughter-in-law, you will have definitely married a great young man. He’ll take good care of you and your children. Please don’t think any less of me for my seemingly selfish and inconsiderate behavior. It’s a blood feud and the die has been cast.


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