Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Most Idiotically Overused Social Media Posts

So, look, I'm not beyond using memes to illustrate a point or to make a joke. I share and even occasionally create what I think are interesting or ironic quotes and pictures. But, let's be honest here. Like in the 1990's and the early '00's when email jokes were recycled and resent after some knucklehead discovered the Internet or signed up for AOL, (Millennials, you can Google, "AOL" now) some memes have just become tedious.

1) Mike. Mike. Mike. It's Hump Day.

We get it. Wednesday is the middle of the work week. After you drive home from the office, the plant or the job site on Wednesday, you'll be over the "hump" and on a glide-path to the weekend. Yep, got it. Camels have humps. Uh huh.

It wasn't even that funny the first time. If this is the depth and breadth of your sense of humor, the you should apply for a job at an animal crematorium, as a septic truck operator, with the United States Post Office, or in a human resources department. (My apologies to my friend, Mike.)

2) If You Can't Handle Me at My Worst . . .

Of course, it's invariably some over-dramatic, super high-maintenance, single woman who posts this quote after some guy dumped her. Every. Single. Time. Four exclamation points for emphasis.

Okay, let's get this straight, Sweetheart. First, you aren't Marilyn Monroe. Only someone like Marilyn Monroe could possibly have gotten away with spouting some shit like this. Second, if you use anymore than one exclamation point, you are a moron. Since you posted this, well, I guess we already know that. Third, if you weren't such a psychopathic lunatic, giving some poor guy "your worst" all the damned time, you'd probably have a man in your life right now. Frankly, I have some serious reservations whether your best could possibly be good enough to put up with that brand of crazy. Finally, Marilyn Monroe couldn't even get away with this mouthful of feces. She was such a nutbag, Jack, Bobby, or both had the CIA whack her and made it look like a suicide.

3) The Janitor & the CEO

You expect me to believe know a CEO? Even a bigger willing suspension of my disbelief, you expect me to accept as an invariable truth you'll stop, while wandering through the hallways of your kids' school or in the building where you work after five o'clock to see the hardworking people who clean the camel shit from your cubicle on Wednesday nights? I doubt you even speak Spanish. Hypocrite.

4) Answer this Equation

You pompous prick. I guess you want us to know that you got an "A" in fifth grade math. Congratulations. Talk about low self-esteem. There isn't a pick-up truck big enough to compensate for what you're lacking. Besides, if you want to know the answer, just ask my ex. Considering that no undeniable life truth, religious canon, local, state, or federal law, or irrefutable mathematical proof can interfere with her view of reality, the answer is whatever she says it is.

5) The Glass is Half . . .

Oh, gosh, you're so clever. And you're such and optimist. You make the rest of us look not only like pessimists, but idiots as well. The glass is always full. Wow. Let's see how long you can survive on just air while my thumbs are on your windpipe. Asshole.

6) Which one is Different?

Who gives a rat's ass?

7) How many boxes?

I recall the Golden Age of social media, I think it was a few hours during the late summer 2011, when people who I knew and cared a little about used to post interesting things or a picture about themselves or their families.
They'd come up with mostly original content and I was interested. Occasionally, but only occasionally, my naive Great Uncle Ralph whose two-year old grandson helped him sign up for Facebook would post a ignorant story about religion or politics or some other damned thing that would make me chuckle condescendingly. Now, everyone is Great Uncle Ralph.

Now, please don't waste my time asking me how many boxes there are and don't forget to count the box that contains the puzzle.

8) Thirty Days Off the Grid & Get a Hundred Large?

So, this has come in various forms including a rustic cabin in the woods or one of those trendy micro-homes, but the theme is consistent. The meme asks something to the effect of, "Would you live in this house with no electricity, Internet, etc, for 30 days (or a year or whatever) for a moderately large sum of money?

Really? First, my answer is and always has been, "Yes." Second, I'd pay you to inhabit a shack in Arkansas if I didn't have to answer my phone for a month or read your stupid fucking memes on Facebook again. Third, I answered this question the first 500 times I saw this meme.

Now, shut the fuck up.