Here was my answer to Anna’s request.
Hi, Anna.
Thanks for your note. I’m flattered that you recalled
those memories of our family during that time with such regard. I guess it’s
really true that the way we portray ourselves, in good times and in bad, really
does influence others.
Since I know you’ve read The Single Father’s Guide to Life, Cooking, and Baseball, I also
know that you’re familiar with PFF’s who’ve asked me if I’d be inclined to
advise their friends or relatives who are divorced or widower single fathers.
In every case, I’ve said, “Yes.” To date not one of those single fathers have
ever called.
“Why?”
Well, my theory is simple; men don’t ask for
directions. Instead, I wrote the book and I write a blog because I believed
guys would be more likely to read a manual written specifically for them.
As you can imagine, I am more than sympathetic to
Kelly’s and Kevin’s circumstances. Of course, I would be willing talk with them
and help in any way I can. Still, I’m not sure they’d want to talk with a
stranger whose fairytale, frankly, fell somewhat short of a happy ending.
That’s not to say, however, that I don’t’ think I can help.
I probably will not write a book about it, but, as
a man who has an intimate knowledge a world in which his pregnant wife can have
breast cancer, I think can still offer some advice. If I get the chance to talk with Kevin and Kelly,
this is what I’d tell them.
Make love every day.
Physical intimacy obviously won’t solve every problem, but it does make dealing
with some problems a whole lot easier. A loving couple who takes the time so
express their love physically to each other will not only relieve stress, which
will be ample during this time, but will also serve to strengthen the bond
between the two of you. The strength of that bond will be important as you deal
with doctors, nurses, insurance companies, successes, disappointments, meddling
relatives, and more. Both of you need that love for different reasons, but I
recommend that you, husband, make it (almost) all about her.
Talk with your kids.
Don’t hide the fact that mommy has cancer. A young child will not understand
the gravity of a cancer diagnosis, but he or she will understand that “Mommy is
sick,” or “Mommy is going to the hospital.” I recommend neither an optimistic
spin nor pessimistic one. Too much optimism may create unrealistic expectations
in a child’s mind. Too much pessimism may create unnecessary anxiety. As the
child matures, his or her understanding of the world and the illness will grow
and he or she will ask more questions. Answer with similarly age appropriate
honest and direct answers.
Make the hard decisions together.
It’s perfectly fine to hope for the best, but it’s also wise plan for the
worst. If you don’t already have a healthcare proxy, a living will, and a last
will and testament, do them immediately. Making those decisions together will
give both of you the peace of mind that you’re making the right decisions for each
other and for your children, regardless of current circumstances.
Surround yourselves with beauty.
Make your world beautiful with fresh flowers, beautiful music, art, literature,
and more. Read to each other. Listen to your favorite band or symphony. Visit
the ocean. Take a walk or a drive and enjoy beautiful views or autumn colors.
Do all the things that make your hearts happy. As previously mentioned, make
love.
Don’t become too excited about good news or too
disheartened by the bad. When it comes to cancer
treatment, you’ll hear some disappointing news. That doesn’t mean you’ve lost.
Other times, you’ll be elated by other news. That doesn’t mean you’ve won. It’s
a long battle. If you let your emotions get the better of you, you’ll become
exhausted an unable to fight when you need to. Believe you’ll win, but don’t
wear your emotions on your sleeve. Be consistently optimistic.
Remove the “Net
Consumers of Resources” from your lives. While you’re in the
throes of your fight, the world will continue to turn. Bills will need to be
paid. Meals will need to be prepared. Kids will need to go to gymnastics
or football practice or whatever. As you forge ahead, you will encounter people
who will be indispensable assets. Those people love you and, almost just by
their presence, will magically create time and resources for you. Those people,
I refer to as “Net Creators of Resources.” Others, either through ignorance or selfishness,
seem to draw all the energy from the room. I call these people, “Net Consumers
of Resources,” and there’s nothing like a crisis for a person to show his or
her true colors. Embrace the Net Creators. Remove the Net Consumers. You’ll
need all the resources you can muster.
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