
When two people make that promise
to one another the last thing on their mind is divorce or the truth of
mortality. But if you are reading this
article, it is very possible you or someone you know has experienced the death
of a spouse or a divorce, which is in fact a death of a relationship. Whether
your relationship has ended due to a death or divorce, the overarching emotion
you are most likely experiencing is grief.

Death or divorce may be the obvious
loss you are experiencing, but it is the underlying, unidentified, secondary
losses that keep you grieving in ways that you may not even understand.
The experience of a marriage or
romantic relationship creates a world where we naturally begin to manifest many
of our hopes and dreams and expectations for our lives. As our relationships evolve, so too do our
habits and rituals; the very experiences that give you a sense of safety and
comfort. Envisioning the children you
one day hope to have… buying your first home together… planning your family’s
annual vacation… kissing each other goodnight… dividing up responsibilities for
getting the kids to and from school… waking up on Sundays to the smell of
coffee brewing and the fashion magazine waiting for you to quietly peruse…
filling up the gas tank for your loved one so the car is ready to go…
Somehow you believe these moments
will last forever and then one day, for whatever reason, the relationship has changed
or has ended. All of your hopes, dreams,
expectations, habits, and rituals are crushed.
Like an emotional tidal wave, you suddenly feel a loss of safety, a loss
of security, a loss of trust, a loss of faith, a loss of identity, a loss of
stability, just to name a few… These underlying, more intangible losses provide
the fuel for grief. Couple that fuel
with the incorrect ways we’ve learned to deal with our loss experiences and you
can begin to easily see why the pain resulting from the death of a loved one or
divorce can often feel overwhelming; like the rug has been pulled out from
under you and you can’t catch your breath.
After the end of a relationship
due to death or divorce, many do as much as they can to avoid the painful
feelings that follow. Have you or
someone you know tried any of the following?
·
Begin a new relationship soon after the event…
·
Drink in excess…
·
Eat more than usual…
·
Eat less than usual…
·
Gamble more…
·
Become sexually promiscuous…
·
Watch sad movies…
·
Listen to sad songs…
·
Work long hours…
·
Shop excessively…
·
Work out excessively…
·
Sleep more than usual…
There is no denying these
activities might make you feel better in the short-term, but they are in fact SHORT-TERM and they only fuel the pain
of grief by keeping you from completing
the emotions that result from a change or end of a relationship due to death or
divorce. In Grief Recovery®, we refer to
these behaviors as STERBS – short term energy relieving behaviors.
Until you become complete with the emotions stemming
from the losses in your past relationships, no matter how they ended, you will
forever influence the choices you make for yourself in future relationships. Completion allows you to be influenced by
positive energy from lessons learned THROUGH
the loss experience rather than negative energy created by running away from the
pain of the experience.

Incomplete relationships create
unresolved grief and unresolved grief creates incomplete relationships. This vicious cycle strips you of the
opportunity to learn the life lessons to be gained THROUGH your loss experience
and keep you from obtaining authentic happiness. You may have heard people talk about
stripping away the layers of an onion in order to understand who you are; Certified
Grief Recovery Specialists® prefer the analogy of stripping away the leaves of
an artichoke, and discovering the heart inside of your authentic you.
‘Til death do us part may come
sooner than we anticipated, either by way of physical death or a relational
death. It’s what you choose to have that
experience mean in your life that will forever influence your future
relationships. Allowing you to
authentically experience the emotionally painful part of the loss is the
pathway to gain a renewed Life THROUGH Loss™.
Kandy
Magnotti is a Marriage & Family Therapist (Masters Degree through the
College of Psychology and Behavioral Sciences at Argosy University – Sarasota:
completion December 2012) specializing in grief, loss, trauma, and end-of-life
issues. Mrs. Magnotti is also a Grief
& Loss Facilitator, a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, a Certified
Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP) and the founder of Life THROUGH
Loss™.

Kandy Magnotti
holds membership with the Association for Death Education & Counseling
(ADEC), the American Association for Marriage & Family Therapy (AAMFT), and
the American Counseling Association (ACA).
Kandy
Magnotti lives in Sarasota with her husband and twin daughters.
For more information visit www.lifethroughloss.com, www.facebook.com/lifethroughloss, or www.twitter.com/lifethroughloss
1 comment:
Talk about perfect timing for this post. Let's just say, it hit close to home. Thank you for sharing your guest blogger with all of us. It's defintely something I needed to read/hear.
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